I want to let you in on a little secret, well a big secret really; I have no idea what I'm doing, pretty much all of the time, whether it's to do with my business, my writing or my health. I'm making it up as I goI along and hoping it works out. I remember when I was a little girl that everyone else, especially adults, seemed to have all the answers; they knew exactly what you should be doing and how you should be doing it. I felt like I was living my life waiting for people to tell me what to do, what to say, how to act. Writing that sentence makes me feel exhausted! I truly believed, and in a way I'm realising I still do, that other people knew what was best for me and that I had to do what they told me.
Obviously this is a hugely important thing when you're a child, listening to adults makes sure that you live to become one yourself; but I think somewhere along the way we need to learn that nobody has all the answers, in fact very few people have any of the answers. All they know is what worked for them, that doesn't mean it would, could or should work for you.
I think we're all making things up as we go along; but we're bluffing, like everyone else, that we know exactly what we're doing. It seems like a huge crime to admit to the world that you don't know it all. Well guess what, I'm admitting it here, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know it all.
Take my ME/CFS, I'm doing the best I can with it, pacing myself and doing what feels good, resting, taking time to sleep during the afternoon, drinking lots of water etc etc. Am I doing all the right things? Is there something I'm allergic to? Should I be taking more supplements? Resting more? Exploring my childhood to see if there's some emotional trigger I need to release? I have no idea!
With Live in Love in Laugh in I'm listening to what other people say works and aiming to do my own version. I'm creating virtual events like my 1930's Vintage Party in your Pad and having fun making it an event I want to virtually go to; but is it the right way? Should I be doing more, less, something different? I have no idea!
I'm meeting new friends, trying new things and hoping that I'm moving towards long held hopes and dreams. Am I doing it the way I should be? I have no idea!
The thing I've realised is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what people think you should do, or what society thinks you should do, or even what you think you should do - you have to follow your heart and do what's right for you. What feels good, that makes you feel like you can breathe, like your heart is expanding and everything just feels better.
That doesn't change the fact that I still have no idea what I'm doing, pretty much all the time. I haven't got a clue if it's going to work out the way I want it to, or if it's taking me off in a completely different direction. The important thing is that we all feel like this, or at least that's what I think; leave me a comment if you do know what you're doing, because I would love to know your secret!
I think the world would be a much better place and we would all feel so much less pressure if we just acknowledged that none of us know what we're doing, that's just life. The fun part is just letting go and seeing what happens, trusting that everything will be okay, it will work out, and you just have to go with it.
What do you think? I'd love to get your perspective on it.
P.S. This post didn't feel finished, I felt like I needed to add some positive little conclusion and then I realised I was just trying to pretend I really do know what I'm doing. Mental head slap!
Image courtesy of Jeroen van Oostrom / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Claire Wade is the winner of the Good Housekeeping Novel Competition and author of The Choice. She was bed bound for six years with severe ME, trapped in a body that wouldn't do what she wanted. She now writes about people who want to break free from the constraints of their lives, a subject she's deeply familiar with.
I'm an author, disability activist, winner of the Good Housekeeping First Novel Competition and The EABA for Fiction 2020 and founder of Authors with Disabilities and Chronic Illnesses (ADCI).
The Choice is available from:
Title: The Choice
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