Have you ever wanted something so much, that you can't imagine life if it didn't happen? A dream so big that it makes you tingle with excitement. You can see it so clearly in your mind, you just know how amazing it could be, how many people it could help and how much potential it has, if you could only make it happen.
That's how I feel about Live in Love in Laugh in. The thing is it excites and terrifies me in equal measure because to make it happen, to achieve the dream, I have to be brave enough to put myself out there, to risk failure and get over all the emotional obstacles that idea brings up. What if people don't like it? What if I can't exlain it well enough so that they understand it? What if the people who love it are in the minority? What if I was wrong? What if, what if, what if...
The temptation is to bury my head in the sand, to keep the dream locked up deep inside my heart, where it can stay perfect and safe. That is so incredibly tempting, to never risk it, avoid the chance that the dream might come crashing down. At least then I won't get hurt; but it hurts just as much keeping it all in, the wanting, wishing and hoping. I'm definitely somewhere with a rock on one side and a hard place on the other.
There isn't really a choice to make, I know that I have to get out there and start telling people I'm here. Waving my hands in the air and saying "Come see, take a look, I hope you like what you find." The thought makes me feel a little sick - nobody told me I'd have to work through my own personal issues when I decided I wanted to set up and run my own business. Surely somebody should have warned me?!
I am learning and growing, I know that it's making me a better, stronger person, it's still scary and hard though! How do you cope with doing things that scare you? Dealing with your own emotional issues that are holding you back? I'm working through various books and courses, looking for answers and clarity - it's helping; but you still have to put in the work to get the results. I am; but I'm also finding other things to do, instead of getting down to the things I know I'm meant to!
In fact I've been procrastinating the past few weeks - I've even been sorting out my office, that's how bad things have got - I'd rather be tidying, which is saying something as I hate tidying! I actually filled up our recycle bin in just a week! Totally amazing; but my office is now lovely and feels much nicer to be in - not the dumping ground it had become. It's almost finished now though, so I have to bite the bullet and get down to the scary stuff I've been putting off.
So this is me taking a deep breath and declaring to the World and the Universe that it's time to let myself be seen, to lift my head up, stand straight and put myself out there. Wish me luck!
Claire Wade is the winner of the Good Housekeeping Novel Competition and author of The Choice. She was bed bound for six years with severe ME, trapped in a body that wouldn't do what she wanted. She now writes about people who want to break free from the constraints of their lives, a subject she's deeply familiar with.
I'm an author, disability activist, winner of the Good Housekeeping First Novel Competition and The EABA for Fiction 2020 and founder of Authors with Disabilities and Chronic Illnesses (ADCI).
The Choice is available from:
Title: The Choice
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